Fear of Failure and Following My Dreams

In January 2014 I became abruptly unemployed and found myself in need of a new overall life direction.

I had started blogging a few months prior, mainly as a way to keep friends and family updated on my hobbies: wine, food, and DIY projects.  I was a good, consistent blogger.  I saw measureable gains in my readership over time, and I greatly enjoyed refining the writing and photography that formed the heart of my storytelling.  In the wake of my job loss, I began wondering whether I could use my newfound free time as a catalyst in turning my hobby blog into a professional endeavor.

The thought stayed with me, and I realized I would need to narrow the focus from my established three hobbies to one professional pursuit.  Wine was the natural choice, as it had always been my readers’ and my own favorite subject on the blog.  I found some promising online courses, all of which required travel.  I discussed my ambitions with my husband and he said go for it.

But I didn’t.

That it was unwise to invest in ongoing education without a job.  That traveling was too inconvenient.

That I was not smart enough.

And so, back I went to looking for jobs as a legal assistant, my longtime career field.  Before too long I landed a gig in a small practice.

When that practice moved several months later, eliminating my position and once again leaving me unemployed, it felt like the universe was talking directly to me.

By this point my year-old blog was gaining traction and a larger audience, due in large part to the popularity of my continued interest in wine.  I was learning a lot and finding fun, effective ways to share those experiences.  Doors in the Idaho wine community were beginning to open.  My readers were entertained.  I was taking notice, nearing a decision, and seeing a few things clearly:

I was excited about wine, far more than I was about food and DIY projects.

I wanted to focus solely on wine.

I could see a new road in front of me and it was thrilling.

A dream was taking hold and I was dreaming big!  I wanted to combine my love of wine and words by continuing to write about relevant topics, including the wine industry, where my efforts might someday help me find a job.  To better my chances on that front, however, I would need formal training and education.  That would be a big commitment, to be sure, but how can you follow your dreams without committing fully at the outset?  I felt like this was the perfect time for me to do just that and start turning those dreams into reality.

But.

This quiet voice inside was telling me that I should be too scared to follow my dreams, telling me again and again that I needed a job NOW, needed money, needed to be realistic, wasn’t prepared for how difficult everything would be, wasn’t smart enough to handle it.

In the end, I let that fear convince me to set my dreams aside and I went back on the job search.

At least I stayed away from law firms this time.  I landed a rewarding job in an environment that suited me, working with animals alongside colleagues I cared for.  Was I happy?  Happy enough.

Still, I felt a tap on my shoulder every so often.  A nagging feeling that the dreams I put on hold were waiting impatiently.

On a whim one day I again began looking into wine education.

I found a self-study certification that required no travel. I could take the exam at a local testing center. The education would confer professional credentials and internationally recognized knowledge.

I thought about it.

I talked to my husband about it…and my mom…and my friends…and myself… and then I thought some more.

Six months later I finally made the decision to become a Certified Specialist of Wine.  I bought the study materials and paid to sit for the exam, which I must complete before November 2016.

Is it scary?

Abso-freaking-lutely.

Is it worth it?

Abso-freaking-lutely.

I’m still working a few hours a month at a traditional job, but fundamentally I am studying and writing full time in pursuit of my passion.

When I hear that fear-inducing voice in my head these days (and unfortunately I do!), I remind myself that I’ve already taken the hardest steps.  All that’s left is to keep looking ahead and moving forward.

Update: On September 22, 2016 I took my Certified Specialist of Wine exam and PASSED!!!